Two weeks ago today a dear friend of mine from high school died. Doug was born with cystic fibrosis and although I knew it was always a possibility that he would die young I always assumed he'd be the exception. I thought he'd be the one CF patient who would live to be an old man. I thought there would be more time to see him again, to talk to him again, to reconnect in real life. Sadly I missed my chance.
I hadn't seen him in a very long time. We became friends my senior year of high school (his sophomore year) in algebra class. We both loved the Grateful Dead and just music in general and we got in a lot of trouble for talking in class that year! In January we started hanging out outside of school. We'd drive to CD Alley in Greenville on the weekends and flip through used CDs. I can't count the times we went to Taco Bell together. Sometimes we'd go to a friend's house and watch tv. He was like me--one of those no worries, free spirit, hippie types. He was laid back and always the one to make everyone laugh. He was fun to be around. There was never a dull moment with him, that's for sure!
After I graduated from high school we started dating and we spent most every day of that summer together. I have so many good memories of him. Going to the beach (where he convinced me to get, and even paid for, my first tattoo!), Lollapalooza, lots of trips to Greenville, going to the movies, hanging out at his house and my house, getting to know his family and his sweet little eight year old sister. I loved his family. I always felt very at home around them.
When I went off to (bible) college we drifted apart. I can't even recall the exact events surrounding us breaking up. I have racked my brain searching for memories of what happened and I only have a few here and there. I know I was going through a hard time and felt very stuck between two worlds. The world back home that I so very much wanted to remain a part of and the new world at college that my head was saying I needed to be a part of. It was so hard for me to walk away from my friends back home but I did.
Over time I convinced myself that I really didn't care. When my friend would see him and he'd ask about me I'd act like it was no big deal but inside it always made me happy that he still asked about me. When he died it quickly became abundantly obvious to me how much I really did care. Heartbroken and devastated are an understatement to how I have felt the last two weeks.
I sat down this week and wrote down every single memory that I have of him. I have pages full of things. I wish I could remember everything about that summer but time has managed to cloud and even erase a lot of those memories. I have torn throw my attic looking for one particular photo I had of the two of us. We were sitting on a blanket on the ground at Lollapalooza. I even remember what I was wearing that day. Doug had his arm around me and we were both smiling and so happy. I can't find it anywhere. I can't find a single note, letter, card, or anything from him. I have one note he wrote me in my senior book and at the end of the note he wrote, "Don't ever change...I love you just the way you are." I'll cherish that always.
Someone who is much smarter than I am posted an article that talks about the limbic system and the ties it has to our emotions including our feelings of love and of grief. It makes total sense to me. Reading through the article's comments has made me feel not so alone in my grief. Apparently grief like this, over someone you once loved but haven't seen in years, is common. I cry every single day. I have so many regrets of things I said, things I didn't say. Regrets that I never made the effort to contact him. I hate to think that he died thinking I hated him because I didn't. We only recently became Facebook friends but our messages were never more than "hey how are you doing?" So much unsaid that I can't make up for.
If you take anything from this blog post, please remember that another day of life is never guaranteed. Psalm 90:12 tells us, "So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom." May we all realize the brevity of life. Make each day, each moment, each second count. Take time to contact loved ones you haven't seen in awhile and share with them how much you care (I've already contacted three friends from high school this week just to catch up and tell them how much I care and how much I've missed them and I've made plans to get together with Doug's sister next week). You just never know when you'll run out of chances.
Missing you today Doug and every day. I'm sorry I never took the time to tell you that I cared. You will never be forgotten.
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